Lively road

it's all about the journey, not the destination

Today I will pronounce loudly what I have been carrying inside for some time now. I think I died inside. I don’t know when, but I don’t remember when was the last time I was wishing badly to do something, feeling passionate about something, loving doing something. Instead, I am just overwhelmed with fear and none desire what so ever. I feel that inside there is nothing, is all empty space resonating with my thoughts and talk… and absolutely nothing else.

I see people live, smile with all they heart and I feel envy, because I don’t know the last time I laughed so stress and worry free, so full of life and fun.

On the paper, this personal history sheet and in other people’s eyes, this is impossible, not understandable, invented and unreasonable. No one can understand… and I got tired of explaining something no one what’s to hear and comprehend. Once again, I solely depend on myself and the little strength I have left.

How can a boat know if it is ready for the storm if it always stays on calm sea? These days the boat will be tested… The calm and the practice of self-confidence has made me believe that this time I can be the way I want, not giving in to my insecurities and doubts. How hard can it be to control your emotions and fears? In the past it was almost impossible, now possible is the word… now… on the calm sea, with no waves and the sun high… when the superficial turbulence start, I will keep the inner depths at peace… with my mind on depths and its values…

It’s been a long time since I last wrote. I am not sure if it is the time that flies so quickly or is it me that have lost a track of time… Lately I have been feeling like Decartes, starting to doubt everything I know and everything I have learned. Now everything seems so wrong. I’m becoming aware of the bubble we live in, one side education that make broad horizons vanish. Parents and teachers teach us what they know, but is it enough and, most importantly, is it correct? There are so many truths, perspectives, points of view and realities that we can not be certain of anything. We shape the world we live in and we condemn ourselves to it… but there’s so much more out there, more than we can even imagine.

And there is change. A word I hear and pronounce so often. As if it were so easy to put it in action as to say it, but the world changes when you change. So let’s work towards it. 

Three threes that have lined up in my birth certificate give me a lot of things to think about. One day you think you have it all sorted out, you know everything and have everything under control and the other you ask yourself “where am I?” and if this is the road. The limb, where I currently feel like being, is letting all my personal issues come floating out and I wish I had someone to tell me what to do and how to spend the days I now have. Some instructions would be more than welcome and the guidance about “the correct and the right”… as if there were a universal truth…
Trying to figure out where exactly to lay my foot while making a new step, is taking so long, that I now feel that the leg on which I am standing has been supporting the weight of the whole body a little too long and is beginning to shake… Was it a decision, thoroughly thought through or just another escape of mine that has brought me here? The question that keeps coming from far behind and keeps vanishing rapidly before letting me admit the truth…

If you imagine less, less will be what you undoubtedly deserve. Do what you love, and don’t stop until you get what you love. Work as hard as you can, imagine immensities, don’t compromise, and don’t waste time. Start now. Not 20 years from now, not two weeks from now. Now.

Shopping with Nieves Álvarez & Opel Adam

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